You know the famous coloquialism, or is it just a saying, or is it a verse, whatever it is..."God gives and God takes away"? I've been reflecting on that deeply for about three weeks now. Life is full of irony, but what makes it even more ironic is that if you look for the ironic side of a situation, it is impossible to hypothesize until the opposite indication presents itself.
To take you back, on January 27th I was (once again) late for you-know-what. About 8 days this time. Just wondering what else was screwed up with me, I made a mental note to call the specialist the following day to get a scrip to get my period started. I knew they would want me to have taken one of those dreaded tests, so I did my duty and stopped by the hometown pharmacy (the kind where everyone talks about who might be preggo because she bought a test...thank goodness no one there knows me yet).
This time, went home. Pee...positive. What? This is crazy! Told Jason, cautious optimism. Another test the following morning...positive. Is this a joke? Took a blood test that morning at the hospital. Positive....come back in two days to test levels. Saturday...doubled-you're pregnant! Congratulations! Come see us Friday and we will do an ultrasound. Oh my.
Where does the irony come in? Monday I left for a road trip. Not a fun trip. Not an exciting drive. Nothing I was looking forward to. That week I saw the injustice of our system. My brother was put on trial for the crime of another and convicted based on manipulation of facts from the prosecution, who was completely protected and "justified" by a "Justice" system that is a joke. I've always believed in the Greater Good, but that week I was robbed by lies and ommissions of fact that convicted an innocent man. Worst week of my life. Yet, I had just been given the greatest gift I could have ever prayed for, asked for, dreamed of.
The size of a lentil bean is what the computer said, based on how far along I was. What is a lentil bean? All I know is that it must be tiny. My little ray of hope amongst devastation.
We will survive. And, ironically, this little baby growing strong inside of me embodies so much greatness and goodness and love, before we've even had a chance to kiss his/her tiny fingers and toes.
February 5th-The first ultrasound was magical. After the trial, Jason and I made it back to our specialist by Friday morning to see and hear our little one's heartbeat. The baby looked just like a little diamond ring. The yolk sak the ring and the tiny baby the diamond. His/her heart causing the diamond to glisten like none other I've ever seen. We laughed and cried and hugged each other. Magical irony.
The next couple of weeks were a combination of celebration, sharing, fear and determination. Celebration of the new life that was going to fill a void of hope, sharing with friends and family the good news and blessing that is on the way, fear of uncertainty for my brother's future, and determination to make it right.
We are all so excited. I think that Jason and I are still in shock. We went for our first prenatal visit on February 16th with my new OB Gyn and were told that-surprise-we may be expecting TWINS!! I have to go back on March 2 for definite diagnosis, so we are anxious to know. My mother and father in law are coming to visit this weekend and we can't wait to finally hug them to rejoice over the good news that has been so long-awaited.
So, life is good. Life is real. Life hurts, but somehow, to us is restored happiness and joy and peace and patience and love.
That's all I have for today. Hoping all of those good things for you.
Aubrey
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
January 5, 2010
...and I started with the best intentions...
It has been awhile, so much having happened in the month and a half since I started this written retrospection.
Well, I successfully turned Twenty Nine, no major disasters, breakdowns or traumas associated with the day or the milestone. I don't feel much different, surprisingly. I think the primary reason for this is that I refuse to own the idea that I am now closer than ever to reaching the dreaded shhh...three-oh.
My birthday was actually what I thought was going to be the best day of my life. My wonderful husband bought me the 90th Anniversary Kitchen Aid--candy apple red and B-E-A-UTIFUL! The day was otherwise uneventful until that evening when preparing to go to dinner.
Having felt "off" for a few days, and given the fact that I was late for you know what, I opted to get a pregnancy test. positive What? positive Really? yes Oh my.... To provide a little bit of history, my husband and I have been trying to conceive unsucessfully for just over two years now. Been through a surgery, infertility treatments, medicine, injections...etc, etc.... No sucess. REALLY?
You can see why I would label the day as "potentially" having been the best day of my life. I cautiously celebrated the irony of the possibility. Took another test the next morning POSITIVE and cried in my husband's arms.
Called my specialist Monday morning...schedule a blood test. Check. Get results...wait until Tuesday. Tuesday morning...get period, get results..."You have had a Chemical Pregnancy." AKA, a miscarriage. You were approximately 5-6 weeks along. Something wasn't right somewhere. Wow...really? And so I cried in my husband's arms...and looked ahead to the coming year.
December flew by. I think that it might have been literal...FLEW by.
After mourning our loss, my husband made the executive decision to acquiesce (sp?) to my 3 year request for a dog...and so came Stash, who is the joy of our lives. Our baby. Weird? Maybe. Do I care? Not at all.
My boys are lying beside me right now and I am looking at them as they sleep with love that is so deep. Who knew? Love is perfect.
I am pausing for today to take them and put them both to bed.
My deepest apologies for the abrupt ending, and Most pleasant sweet dreams I wish you...
Aubrey
...and I started with the best intentions...
It has been awhile, so much having happened in the month and a half since I started this written retrospection.
Well, I successfully turned Twenty Nine, no major disasters, breakdowns or traumas associated with the day or the milestone. I don't feel much different, surprisingly. I think the primary reason for this is that I refuse to own the idea that I am now closer than ever to reaching the dreaded shhh...three-oh.
My birthday was actually what I thought was going to be the best day of my life. My wonderful husband bought me the 90th Anniversary Kitchen Aid--candy apple red and B-E-A-UTIFUL! The day was otherwise uneventful until that evening when preparing to go to dinner.
Having felt "off" for a few days, and given the fact that I was late for you know what, I opted to get a pregnancy test. positive What? positive Really? yes Oh my.... To provide a little bit of history, my husband and I have been trying to conceive unsucessfully for just over two years now. Been through a surgery, infertility treatments, medicine, injections...etc, etc.... No sucess. REALLY?
You can see why I would label the day as "potentially" having been the best day of my life. I cautiously celebrated the irony of the possibility. Took another test the next morning POSITIVE and cried in my husband's arms.
Called my specialist Monday morning...schedule a blood test. Check. Get results...wait until Tuesday. Tuesday morning...get period, get results..."You have had a Chemical Pregnancy." AKA, a miscarriage. You were approximately 5-6 weeks along. Something wasn't right somewhere. Wow...really? And so I cried in my husband's arms...and looked ahead to the coming year.
December flew by. I think that it might have been literal...FLEW by.
After mourning our loss, my husband made the executive decision to acquiesce (sp?) to my 3 year request for a dog...and so came Stash, who is the joy of our lives. Our baby. Weird? Maybe. Do I care? Not at all.
My boys are lying beside me right now and I am looking at them as they sleep with love that is so deep. Who knew? Love is perfect.
I am pausing for today to take them and put them both to bed.
My deepest apologies for the abrupt ending, and Most pleasant sweet dreams I wish you...
Aubrey
Friday, November 20, 2009
29
November 20, 2009
This is my first blog, first post, first whatever other names are out there for this. I am fascinated with the possibilities of what this could become for me. I haven't really followed any other blogs other than an update from either of my sister in laws or to sneak a peek at new pics of my nephew...the sweetest little boy out there.
I guess I will start by explaining my choice of title. Tomorrow is my twenty ninth birthday. I am hoping that I will use this blog to help direct me toward finding the things that I have hope for, sharing things that I receive joy from, and coping with things that aren't as easy as we'd like them to be.
The second part of the title ties in also with the twenty nine...Jeremiah 29:11. .."For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
This was my husband's grandmother's favorite verse and I thought it applicable to the overall theme of the blog. Hopefully most days great, probably some days not so much, but the ultimate goal and realization is that I'm on a path that has been laid out for me by someone much greater than I who already has all of the answers to all of the questions I have had, currently have and will, without a doubt, one day have. However ridiculous they may be.
So, again, tomorrow is my twenty ninth birthday and as I was driving home from work the thoughts that kept going through my head were: Hmm, I'm turning twentynine. I remember when my mother turned thirty and very specifically remember consoling her. 30 isn't old mom. 30 isn't old. And it's not. And I'm not there. But almost. Am I going to be one of those women who perpetually respond when the dreaded question is asked, "I'm 29." ...really I am 45, or 60 or 98 but, "I'm 29." Do I have an issue with turning 30 or is it just that I have no babies and don't know what I want to be when I "grow up" and what happens if I am already "grown up?" I have a three minute drive home but those were the questions playing through my head. Crazy?
I think these things and all the while I am thrilled with the life I have. Don't get me wrong, I have a husband that is my true to life Edward (most of the time), I have a big beautiful home on a quiet, family-filled street and I have a job that pays me decently for the job I do. But the questions remain. What's next? What are the plans You have for me?
Here I come 29. This is going to be a great year...bring on the wrinkles, the aches, creaks and cracks. I'm ready...especially with You on my side.
This is my first blog, first post, first whatever other names are out there for this. I am fascinated with the possibilities of what this could become for me. I haven't really followed any other blogs other than an update from either of my sister in laws or to sneak a peek at new pics of my nephew...the sweetest little boy out there.
I guess I will start by explaining my choice of title. Tomorrow is my twenty ninth birthday. I am hoping that I will use this blog to help direct me toward finding the things that I have hope for, sharing things that I receive joy from, and coping with things that aren't as easy as we'd like them to be.
The second part of the title ties in also with the twenty nine...Jeremiah 29:11. .."For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
This was my husband's grandmother's favorite verse and I thought it applicable to the overall theme of the blog. Hopefully most days great, probably some days not so much, but the ultimate goal and realization is that I'm on a path that has been laid out for me by someone much greater than I who already has all of the answers to all of the questions I have had, currently have and will, without a doubt, one day have. However ridiculous they may be.
So, again, tomorrow is my twenty ninth birthday and as I was driving home from work the thoughts that kept going through my head were: Hmm, I'm turning twentynine. I remember when my mother turned thirty and very specifically remember consoling her. 30 isn't old mom. 30 isn't old. And it's not. And I'm not there. But almost. Am I going to be one of those women who perpetually respond when the dreaded question is asked, "I'm 29." ...really I am 45, or 60 or 98 but, "I'm 29." Do I have an issue with turning 30 or is it just that I have no babies and don't know what I want to be when I "grow up" and what happens if I am already "grown up?" I have a three minute drive home but those were the questions playing through my head. Crazy?
I think these things and all the while I am thrilled with the life I have. Don't get me wrong, I have a husband that is my true to life Edward (most of the time), I have a big beautiful home on a quiet, family-filled street and I have a job that pays me decently for the job I do. But the questions remain. What's next? What are the plans You have for me?
Here I come 29. This is going to be a great year...bring on the wrinkles, the aches, creaks and cracks. I'm ready...especially with You on my side.
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